so, i've been sick for about 4 days now with a virus that doesn't want to leave my body. Therefore, it is fucking up the rest of my body, mentally and physically. I hate when I get sick because I rarely get sick and if I do get sick it isn't for four days and practically what feels like debilitating. I was really depressed last night and lonely and I was looking to even talk to people who I know are self-absorbed assholes who don't care about anyone but themselves, and my rationalization for it was at least its some attention right now. Right now was like 1:45 in the AM. Thank god I didn't talk to him. I would've regretted it because it turns out he was stringing me along the whole time about coming up to visit just as I thought. Turns out I found out he has to work for the next 17 days or some shit so, he had no intentions of coming up here to p-burgh to visit. gotta love fucking liars. and stalkbook! (facebook) lol. Otherwise that information would not have been handy to me. Just like another interesting fact about this kid who graduated in 07' from mattituck high school. He was in between my sister's grad classes and I just found out he died randomly. They don't' know why he just passed out and died and he was so young. I felt so bad about that. Its really hard losing anyone but, a kid so young is just so sad. Another thing I have been questioning alot lately is my faith in Christianity and its really bothering me and making me really really uncomfortable. Esp. in gospel choir and I don't know why but its really just been bothering me from learning solid evidence from science and then going into the bible it doesn't add up. It feels like I can only take certain parts of the bible to truth. and im really really worried about it and frustrated and unsure what to do because alot of the good that has happened in my life I had attributed to Jesus Christ and now im not sure if I should attribute the good things to him anymore. I also am frustrated with my friend who keeps taking her boyfriend back that she has been with on and off for six years after all that he said to her and did to hurt her this weekend. Like I just don't understand. I mean I can't really say anything because I used to be like that and sometimes I am. I still try to work things out alot but I'm learning that certain people are just stuck in their ways. and im kinda sketched out about going to Cali to see joey for some reason and its probably because I think he doesn't want anyone to know that I am going to visit him. and it really kinda bothers me and makes me insecure and makes me think he doesn't want me there but he insists he does. so, idk I think im just getting insecure as yet again the certainty of the school environment is getting taken away for three months...paranoia I guess its called. and also since i've been sick for almost five days i'v been really cranky and bitchy and its throwing off my moods and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but, im also paranoid that something else may be wrong if I have been sick for more than three days. Its really kinda frustrating to me and I dont' want to take all this medication on an empty stomach but I just don't feel like eating much and when I try sometimes i just can only eat a few bites. Ugh. lol. and I dont' even know if I ever want a boyfriend again...sometimes I do but, most of the time Id on't and its odd for me to feel this way I've been almost 6 months single and I guess im just not used to it...but I like it...things have been alot less stressful in one context. erghhhhh...talking about him annoys me so im just going to to stop that now. because just like I have said before self-centered and absorbed, spoiled only children annoy the shit outta me. I am so happy im not 26 and still living at home with my mom. thank god. ok that's enough bitching for now.